Thursday, January 21, 2016

Grammar, and My Intense Hatred of It.

Hello people! 

Do you know what I'm horrible at?

Hmm...let's see...playing the piano?  Talking?  Dancing?  Or how about using technology?  Listening and paying attention to people?  Breathing and blinking in even intervals.  Oh, and how could I forget?!  You're horrible at pretty much anything you attempt at achieving.  Did I get them all right?  I did, didn't I?  Of course I did, because I'm not a failure, like you.

Yes, yes...and yes.  Oh, that too...and that, and that...that, and yes, that as well...unfortunately.

*sigh* someone, throw me a pity party because I'll probably suck at doing that too...why bother trying... *another sigh*

Aaaaanyways...something else I'm horrible at?  Grammar.  My English class started our unit on grammar the other day...and based on the title of this post you can probably tell how it turned out for me, right?

*as further evidence of my lack of grammar knowledge, someone enlighten me on whether my title is correct or not.  Is it hatred OF grammar, or hatred FOR grammar?  *sigh*

In my defence, I was never really taught grammar in school.  Was I supposed to have been taught?  Everyone seemed to know what the teacher was talking about.  Everyone but me.  Huh.  That must mean something, right?

So there I was, sitting in English, enjoying one of my favourite subjects, when suddenly...


No?!  NO?  NO! No....nonononononononononononononono.  No, please no. 

I know this class (English enriched) is an intelligent class, so, instead of spending a few months on a grammar unit, we will only spend one.  Albeit, a very intense and condensed one because I know you all know this amateur stuff and can do this in your sleep, right?  Right.

Why do you do this to me?  Do I not have enough chemistry to suffer and cry over, you feel the need to add English, one of my favourite classes, to the list, too? 

I know you'll love this unit because I love it. 
*smiles gleefully* 
This unit is perfect for anyone who loves math, and the black or white-ness of it.  It's either right or wrong, no in between.  You people should thrive on this stuff.  THRIVE, I tell you!  And, as if that wasn't reason enough to adore grammar, let me add another one to the list: it will improve your writing.  Even if you don't make these silly mistakes, allow me to open your eyes to all the possible mistakes you could make. 
*proceeds to hand out a ginormous grammar packet of at least nine bazillion pages (okay, fine, twenty-four pages, DOUBLE-SIDED).*
Aren't I the best?  Yes, I know.  You can start showering me with gifts of chocolate now.  Thank you!

*slams head on desk with immense force*
*ponders the reasons of why I love English more than math*
*thinks about all the positive people in my life, one in particular (you know who you are), smiles like an idiot, then remembers that said person is exceptionally exceptional at grammar*
*starts to smack head on desk once more*

Okay, so maybe that didn't happen exactly as how I described it, but it was close.  Enough. 

Point is, besides the definitions of nouns, verbs, and adjectives that were instilled in me at the young age of eight, I haven't really been exposed to this stuff.  I went to a Montessori school, and the school taught by a slightly different curriculum.  I think.

Sure, I've heard other grammar jargon such as adverbs, predicates, participials, clauses, and subjective nouns...but I don't really know them.  I'm still not to sure what to do with a semicolon, to be quite honest. 

I could never quite pinpoint why I detest math as much as I do...but maybe it's the rules.  The "it's either right or wrong, no in between", thing...but then if I keep pondering this idea, I see that it isn't.  Or maybe it is...the many concepts that, wait, it is the rules, but...aaah!  I don't know where I was going with this anymore...

Oh!  And you know what?  I've come to the point, where I'm starting to like chemistry more than English.  Yes, I said it.  I never thought this day would come.  I never  thought I'd have both English and chemistry together in the same sentence.  What has this world come to?

But speaking of chemistry...I can now say without a doubt that my confusion in both classes are identical.  When the teacher explicates something, I feel the entire class is following along without a problem, and I'm the only one struggling to catch up.

Picture this: there is a carriage of success and understanding, and the teacher is the coachman (or woman, in this case).  The students are all tucked comfortably in the stagecoach, and I'm on a leash, being roughly dragged across the gravelly road, choking.  Yes, my legs have stopped working because I've been chasing that carriage for far too long, with far too little success.  So now, left in the dust, I've worn myself out, and I've given up.  I'm just letting the carriage pull me along with a leash around my neck.  Sometimes, a miracle happens, and the carriage slows down, or the path evens out (this is when I finally get what's being taught), so that my hopes of catching up are raised...but then the inevitable happens, and the carriage resumes its usual fast pace, leaving me struggling in the dust once body riddled with bruises, nasty blisters and festering sores.


Point is:  I dislike English almost if not equally as much as chemistry.  And if you knew me, you would know how much it pains me to say that.

So here I am, fraught with frustration along with unbearable amounts of stress and the lingering feeling of betrayal from a supposed friend (English class). 

You know one of the classic its vs. it's errors?  So...if it's is only used for contractions, and its is used to show possession...then...would you moms hair?  It shows possession, yes?  So...there shouldn't be an apostrophe, right?  But, butbutbut, it's wrong!  It's supposed to be my mom's hair, right?  Right?!  *sigh*  I think I need someone to tutor me in English, too, now.  Can I do nothing right?

I am confused. 
*whom vs. who?  Me vs. I? 

I am ashamed. 
*I'm in grade eleven now, in an English enriched class, I should know this.

I am utterly disappointed in myself.
*You would think that a person who spent this much time reading would at least be able to comprehend some grammar, right?

So here I am again, slumped over a cushion I stole from the living room sofa, and sobbing over my lack of knowledge sitting here, typing out this post with my grammar homework staring at me, trying to puzzle out the mystery of grammar. 
*The more time I spend trying to complete these verbal worksheets, the more puzzled I become.  This grammar stuff is messing with my mind.  I read a sentence, and I'm asking myself questions like is this verb really a verb?  Or is it disguised as a gerund?  A Participle? Is this noun a verb?  Or is actually a noun?  What even is a noun?  It's a person, place or thing, right?  What exactly is a person?  What is a thing?  Am I even making sense?  Have I unconsciously started speaking gibberish and just haven't noticed it yet?   

School is hard, guys.  How have I even survived with almost straight As through high school?  How?!  My mind doesn't work properly, you know.  I have trouble understanding even the most basic concepts, and drawing connections.  It seems like every time a teacher explains something, the entire class grasps the concept and processes it immediately.  But me?  Nooo...I have to be the only one struggling to comprehend these strange mechanisms and techniques the teacher is trying to teach us.  And what do I do when I get home?  I pound my head on the floor, and question my intelligence, I roll around on the floor screaming at my utter stupidity of everything google.  Furiously.  I try my best to find other ways of trying to understand something that seems to be so simple.

Take now, for example.  I've spent eons googling stuff like verbals, and how to differentiate between the different types of verbals.  Is it a gerund?  An infinitive?  Or a participle?  And if it's a gerund, how do I know if it's a subject, an object of a transitive verb, an object of a preposition, or a predicate noun?  Well...first off...I'd have to look up the meaning of transitive, predicate, and all the other unfamiliar words.  And so I do.
*for all you observant people thinking heeey, if you're doing homework, and bragging about how you slave away every day once you get home, why are you not doing that now?  Huh?  Why are you writing this stupid blog post?  Why don't you spend this time trying to figure out why your inferior brain is so ridiculously lacking? I'd say, I'm taking a break, okay?  A person can only take so much frustration and grammar a day, okay?  Please, stop criticising me, okay?  I will get back to it just as soon as I type out this post and get all my pent up frustration out, OKAY?  Of course, this is just what I'd think you'd say, I tend to have an overactive, over-analytic brain.

After some researching, I remember some stuff from these workbooks my mom used to buy me.  You know those complete curriculum workbooks?  The stuff that you're supposed to learn by a certain grade, but your class hasn't come close to discussing anything remotely close to it?  Yeah...that one. 


Well, when I start to recall stuff from before, and realization dawns, I go back to my homework, only to find I'm confused once more.  Everything seems to have a double meaning, no, a triple meaning!  Everything seems to be out to make my life miserable.  How does everyone understand this so easily?  Do I have a mental block or something?  Is my brain not working properly?!

This post alone must have contained thousands if not millions of writing errors...what with dangling and misplaced modifiers, and faulty parallelisms, and run-ons and bad pronoun references, and sentence fragments, it's wonder I'm still in English 11!
*yes that horrible sentence was made intentionally.


How are your grammar skills?  Are they in tip top form?  Or have you been stumbling your way around it?  And someone, just for the fun of it, count all my grammatical mistakes in this post. 

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