Monday, December 14, 2015

I Just...Don't Get It...!

*sounds of frustration and anguish*

*sounds of absolute despair and hopelessness*


Have you ever despised something so much, your heart literally hurts...?  Or maybe your stomach feels like it's had enough of...whatever you've been doing to it, and decides that now is the perfect time to rebel and does all sorts of crazy stuff, and you feel like someone has just punched you in your stomach, and you double over in absolute agony?

Well, I'm having a bad day...and...I'm just going to rant, and complain, I'm not even going to proofread this before I publish, because I'm just not in the I said, I'm having a bad, bad, day...


So...I dislike math (understatement).  I'm pretty sure this has nothing to do with the teacher, because my math teacher is quite nice, funny, even.  Numbers just don't like me very much.

I took pre-calculus 11 in the summer, and I...failed...*cries*...I got a...a...B.

I was dissatisfied with my mark, so I decided to retake the course again in the school year, hopefully with more time, I'll be able to get that A I so desperately want.  So...pre-calculus 11 is actually...not too bad now. 

Exceeeeept, now that one evil is eliminated, another rises up to take it's place: chemistry.

*more sounds of utter despair and anguish*

So...I enjoyed the chemistry unit we had last year in grade 10 (actually, I enjoyed it so much, I memorized the elements of the periodic table, just for fun), so I was looking forward to taking chemistry 11 this, was I ever wrong...

Now, I never thought I'd ever hear myself say this (or type, if you want to be all technical about it), but I despise chemistry even more than math.  And I hated math.  A lot.  (Read the intro of this post if you want a more in depth description of my hatred).  I never thought chemistry had so many...numbers.  Sig figs?  Moles?  Scientific notation?  Unit conversions?  Unlike math, I can't quite decide if it's the teacher, or the subject that is causing all this could be a combination of both...I mean, my chemistry teacher is known to be one of the not-so-nice teachers, but still...shouldn't chemistry still be...chemistry...? in point: I abhor chemistry so much, I have started to self loathe.

When chemistry is pretty much the only thing keeping you from principal's list, when chemistry is the only thing keeping you up at night (not in the good way), when chemistry is the only subject that makes you moan and groan in utter agony...!   When chemistry makes me want to yank out my hair (because I'm so tired of chemistry bringing me down with all this stress) and jump up and down like a crazy person..where was I going with this again...?

Uh...I've thought about asking for help, I have, really...but here's my problem: I'm afraid.  Or you could chalk it up to my friends here.  Readers, meet Insecurity, Self-loathing, Depression, Pessimism, Worry, Melancholy and let's not forget Self Doubt.  These friends of mine, have stuck by my side and ensured that I am never without despair and general unhappiness.

So, here's a little backstory on my history as a student...I was stupid.  Below average kinda elementary school, I'd lead myself to believe I was just plain stupid.  No way around it.  I just didn't understand the material presented to me.  And when I did, I'd forget it instantaneously...I couldn't tell time till I was at least in grade five or six.  I didn't know how to multiply or divide until I was in grade six or seven. past is a painful thing to remember.

Back to the present!

I'd like to think that today, my almost straight A record (I feel the need to mention my hatred for chemistry again, in case you didn't get it the first few times) would prove something.  But honestly, I think I'm just lucky.  I'm not smart, not even close.  I'm still a failure, there's no way around it.

Now, I wouldn't be writing (or typing) this post if it weren't for what happened today.  Allow me to set the stage, okay?

Second period: biology
*teacher hands back test*  I failed!  98%...?  98%?!  This ONE question...ugh, why couldn't I have read my notes more thoroughly?  Clearly, reading my notes a few 16,669 times isn't even close to enough...gah...

Third period: chemistry
*teacher hands out test*
*dejectedly picks up pencil and starts filling in stuff*
*hesitantly hands back test because the entire class is waiting for me to finish* 
*stares in the general direction of where the teacher is standing* 
*tries super hard to comprehend what the teacher is trying to explain*
*brain also tries super hard to interpret and process random gibberish to meaningful words*
*gives up because it's too depressing*
*continues to stare in the general direction of the teacher*
*blinks and breathes until the bell rings*

It's the tests like these that really make me ponder what kind of a failure I really am...

So...back to being afraid.  My mom is (to me, anyway), really good at mathematics, and we used to spend hours together where she would try explaining a concept to me, and you guessed it...I just...didn't get it.  It was frustrating for the both of us.

There's something wrong with my brain, I guess.  I have a difficult time processing things, especially number related things.  I'd like to believe that other things, such as biology (certain topics, anyway) interest me enough that I get it the first time I hear it, but that's just me being unusually optimistic.  Really, I have luck to thank.  Also, I rely heavily on prayer.  My 93% average last year?  Pfft, 99% prayers were answered 0.99% luck, and 0.01% actual intelligence.  Rough estimates, of course. case English failed me as well, to summarize, I'm afraid of asking for help because I'll be wasting people's time.  I'm afraid of asking for tutoring because they could spend hours trying to explicate something, with no visible progress.  Suffice to say, it'll be awkward for the both of us.  And I don't want that....

Today in chemistry, I cried and sobbed excessively as well as mentally listed all the things wrong with me nearly self-loathed myself to tears.  I asked myself, why do I have to be stupid, and clueless, and why am I such a brainless simpleminded dimwitted child...?  Why am I always so hopelessly confused about everything?  Is there anything I'm actually good at it?  The answer would be NO.  Oh, I'm a worthless person...what am I even doing here on earth...bah...the whole world hates me and I'd be doing the world a favour by shriveling up like an obedient little raisin, and have some little kid flick me to a far corner...somewhere dark and lonely...argh...!

Oh, the self loathe ramble goes on and on and on and on and's a nonstop depreciation of myself, and it's a torture to endure.  I am so, so disappointed in myself...

I.  Am.  A.  Failure.

People have tried to help me, I've rejected their help.  Now you know why...

I know I'm not the only one who has failed in life...what have you failed at?  Okay, fine, if your heart so desires, you may tell me of your life accomplishments instead.

1 comment:

Woo! Thanks for your comment!


Template by