Friday, April 28, 2017

I Think She Hates Me....

Hey peoples!

It feels like it's been a long while since my last post, huh?

But I was busy!  Like, busier than I've ever been before!  I had a final chemistry* exam, a chemistry assignment where I had to write a proposal to sell some new method of rust protection, a chemistry quiz, a huge review package in math, a math test, a financial plan, a community connections assignment, a Career and Life assignment, a literary analysis of something to do with turtles, tutoring almost everyday for a few hours and sometimes even twice a day, dance performances, dance practice four days a week after school, dance practice everyday at lunch, dance journals, two dance choreographies to finish, a biology test, an in-class King Lear essay on a topic I'm not sure I interpreted right, and finally, a hand-in essay inspired by A Modest Proposal.
*I don't think I need to explain how much I hate chemistry, how it's so hard for me, and how I procrastinated on doing anything in this chemistry course I'm taking online for four months (I had to teach myself the entire chemistry 12 course in about two months!)


All those things?  Had to be done between Wednesday and Friday. that I'm finished defending myself, I'll continue on to what I wanted to post today.

I have this friend at school.  The first letter of her first name is the same letter as Gilf's first letter of his first name!

I would say she's one of my best friends in school, and I'm always happy to see her.  I met her in grade 10 in french class.  In grade 11, I had the great privilege of being in the same biology class with her (WE HAD SO MUCH FUN), and in grade 12, we were in the same English, literature, and writing classes together!

But......she dropped out of all those classes.

And that makes me start to doubt if she ever thought of me as a friend at all...

We spent so much time laughing till we couldn't breathe, sharing so many stories and secrets...and now she's.....gone.  She's not in any of my classes anymore.  Does she hate me?  Was it something I did?!  Maybe she's wanted to be rid of me ever since the beginning and she's only found a way to do it now....?  Maybe I've talked too much...made too big a deal out of everything?


I miss her in English....she sat next to me, and she was my only friend in that class.  Every time the teacher told us to get in groups and discuss, I always turned to her, knowing she would want to talk to me, too.  She was the brave one, she would ask my questions for me, she would make me actually want to talk and share my ideas.  But now that she's gone....the desk next to mine is empty....and every time the teacher tells us to get into groups to discuss, I turn to an empty table where my friend used to sit.  The teacher always scolds me for not talking to anyone and makes a big deal out of it to the class....

I've actually cried this one time.  I was feeling particularly lonely and down when the teacher told me to go discuss with someone.

Someone invited me to join their group...but their group merged with this bigger group, and everyone was talking over everyone else, and there was this kerfuffle of people....I didn't have it in me to contribute anything.  Too many people.  The teacher came over to me AGAIN, and told me I HAD to discuss with someone.  That's when I started crying.

I can't discuss....I'm shy....there's too many people...too loud, to hard....I can't.  I wish he understood. Maybe I was just unstable, but....*sigh*

In writing, I would always look forward to her presence, she always came so late, so by the time she finally got here, the seat next to me was already taken by...other people.  She would have to sit two to three desks down, and I would have to strain to hear her and have a conversation with her.

She wasn't in my literature class for very long before dropping out.  I didn't really get much of a chance to talk to her anyway.


I just want my friend back.  Is that too much to ask?

Now that I don't have an classes with her, I never see her anymore.  I see her sometimes walking in the hallways at lunch....I don't think she's every said "hi" to me....sometimes walks right past me without even noticing me.  She never joins me for lunch, either.  I never see her, never talk to her anymore.

I miss the way she makes me laugh, the great conversations we had, her epic tales of how she showed someone who's boss (her, always her).


There's no chance we're going to the same post-secondary, either.

Guess I'm doomed to live a life without friends then.

How many broken friendships do you have?  

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