Dear English AP Teacher.....

Hi.

I'm kind of torn between wanting you to never read this.....and.....hoping you read this so that you'll understand my....situation better.

So you know how....on November 9th, 2016, I was performing for the Remembrance day assembly, and I made the wise decision to come back to your class after the show ended, even though I had the freedom to take the rest of the block off?

Remember that?

Yeah?  Good.

So.



After an EXHAUSTING performance, I decided to be a good, STUDIOUS student and RETURN to class.....

Only to see the door closed....locked.

Humph.

But that's fine....I made some funny faces at the students, caught their attention.....which caught YOUR attention, so that's all good, I suppose.

You said you couldn't see me because you were busy hopping around on one foot?  What was that all about?

Guess I'll never find out.

Anyways......

I found my seat and sat.  Then listened to you talk about The Hollow Men.  Everything was going perfectly fine until you started talking about the stinkin' prickly pear.

When it was first read the other day....I KNEW it sounded familiar....in fact, if I handed in my copy of the poem, you would have seen that I made a note about how it sounded familiar....almost like it was a song.  But I couldn't place a name to the song.....I just FELT that it was a song....a song I heard before....

And today, when you mentioned the first part of it...."here we go round the....", and tried to get the class to figure out what the last word of the song was....I finally figured it out!  It was mulberry bush!

Of course, I didn't say anything, I never do.....you know I'm shy, right?  And incredibly insecure about...pretty much everything about myself?

So....I didn't say anything.  And then...you gave the class another hint. "Mmmmmmmmmuuuuh.........!"

And if I wasn't sure before, I was definitely sure now!

I don't like speaking up in class, I also avoid putting my hand up in class, NOT BECAUSE I'M LAZY, BUT BECAUSE I'M INCREDIBLY INSECURE ABOUT MYSELF, mind you, so....

(aaaaaaaah!  You just walked into the library!  You just walked right past me!  Did you see me?  Yes, you probably did, you didn't say anything though...but most importantly, DID YOU SEE MY POST? THIS VERY POST I'M TYPING UP NOW?!)

***
Okay....since I didn't get to finish this the other day....I'm finishing this now....
***

So....I'm incredibly shy and insecure, so I don't put up my hand.  Got it?  Please get it.  Because if you do, it'll explain everything.  Mostly everything.

Anyways.

The class started whispering amongst themselves...and I thought.....this would be my chance to maybe tell you that I knew what word you were looking for!  I turned to a....very good friend of mine...and said, "mulberry bush" inquisitively.

And then!  You finally heard it....you were standing right next to me....but still....aha!  You heard me! Yay!  Well...actually....correction...you heard mulberry bush...but you weren't sure who said it....you turned in my direction and pointed at the general area...made sounds of encouragement.....and then I said mulberry bush again.

You seemed happy for a moment....

And then you told me to hold on...and then.....YOU WALKED TO THE VERY BACK OF THE CLASS (I'm sitting at the front), and you asked me to repeat myself....but louder.

I internally huffed.

I said it...just a bit louder....and you told me to...holler.  I tried again...just a bit louder....AND THEN YOU TOLD ME TO SING.

SING?!

Really?!

I'm (likely) the shyest person in class, and you tell me to sing?!  Are you insane?!  Do you realise what you're asking of me?!  Do you?!

I quietly, but firmly...said no.  I'M SORRY, OKAY?

I didn't know the words...I didn't know the rest of the song.....at least...I couldn't recall them when you asked me to sing it....

*sigh*

And then you....got mad.

Became....exasperated.

And I'm.....sorry......

If you are reading this now....oh, gosh......

But if you aren't.....which...let's face it...you probably aren't...I'll continue to say everything I should have said.....explained myself...and spill my...thoughts out to you.....

You started giving this long speech about how much you HATED it when people do this....when an opportunity presents itself....and the.....person backs down...or...doesn't give it their all.

And the entire time....*sigh*  I felt horrible....I wanted to cry....I failed you.....I failed myself.....I wanted to disappear.....

The look of disappointment on your face?

I don't think I'll ever forget that.....

Near the beginning of your little speech....you told me a few times to...uh...."don't do it now"....so.....did that mean that you won't give me the chance to redeem myself?  To...improve? To...TRY AGAIN?  That also....made me feel horrible....if only I were brave enough to explain myself....

When you finally finished your speech....and I thought I couldn't feel any more embarrassed or ashamed....

You.....tried again...kinda.  You started..."Here we go round the..."

And I softly sang...."...the mulberry bush...

You: "...the..."

Me: "...mulberry bush..."

And then we repeated those few lines again....

And then...the last line....that I thought I didn't know...but somehow knew at that moment.....

"At five o'clock in the morning"

Which was....great.  Just great.  Because if that's all you expected of me...if that's what you consider the whole song...I just proved to you that I knew it.....

Gah!

But I didn't!

I felt...kinda better....by the end of it....I...kinda redeemed myself....but not much.

The rest of the class sucked.....I still listened....and...stuff....but I had....about...80% of my thoughts on my utter failure earlier....

*sigh*

When the blessed bell finally rang...I couldn't wait to get out of class....but of course...I stayed...and waited for my dear friend to pack her stuff so we could leave together like we always did.

Before I left the class, you...thanked me.

A few times, too.

PFFT.

You put your hands together, like you were about to pray...and did a little nod with your head and said thank you.

Well.....my response to you....

"I'M SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, 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SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, 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SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO,  SORRY!

Please, please, PLEASE forgive me....and....UNDERSTAND that I am super shy and super insecure, I promise you, I would have sang it if I knew the words....I PROMISE.

I'd ask you to give me another chance, but I'd probably just screw it up again.

Maybe for Poetry in Voice....I can prove myself again?  Yeah?

*sigh*

All right.

I'm done.

-Your very, very, apologetic student.