Dear Dad

April 13, 1969.

The day my dad was born.

For those who have known me long enough, or for those whom I've trusted, you know about my parent issues...the rest of you, try your best to follow along.  Please and thank you.

So, my parents haven't been having the best relationship as of late, but, they always got back together...this time, however...I sense something is different.  And I think I'm worried.

Anyways...my dad's birthday...and I was forbidden to wish him a happy birthday.  Do you know how devastated I am?!  Do you?!

Since neither of my parents have the link to this blog, I'll write my heart out here.
*little sis: don't tell...please?

Dear Daddy, 

How have you been?  I haven't seen you in what feels like forever...you've never been gone this long before...how are you?

I realise today is your birthday, and I am so sorry for not being there to wish you a happy one.
I really am.

You-know-who has forbidden me from texting you a happy birthday, but she told me to send you a text to tell you to come collect the garbage and compost from outside.  I'm sorry, I feel like a horrible person.  The one text I send you on your birthday, isn't one of happiness, but one of indifference and bossiness.  Please know that I was forced to send it.  Mom tells me that you don't care, let alone love us, anymore...you never call, never text, you've blocked our numbers...but I can't help feeling that you have your reasons for leaving us.  You still care, you still love us, right?

You're not home to sleep in bed, and I seriously hope you haven't been sleeping in your car all these weeks...please take care of yourself, okay?  You wouldn't believe how much I cried when you came back one day and I noticed how thin you've become...how bony you've become.  Take care of yourself, please?

I love you, daddy, and I know I may not tell you this often, but that doesn't mean it's not true.  I love you, I love you, I love you.  I know I cannot make up for all the times I've angered you, or all the times you've given something up for me...but I can at least try?

I love you, daddy.

Remember those nights you used to read me bedtime stories late at night?  Like, 2 or 3 am in the morning...remember that Disney Princess book?  I even made my own bookmark...and, you always made time for me at night.  Mom actually still gives you credit for that.  She says you fostered the love of reading in me.  Those were our special times together.

I miss you, daddy.

Oh!  And remember those nights when I was still small and I would beg you to do the flips?!  There was that one where you would roll me down from your arms onto bed...and there was that other one where you would flip me vertically onto bed...*sigh*

I LOVE YOU, DADDY!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!  And all those times I've screamed "bug!!!!!!!!!", and you had to get out of bed to come eradicate it...and all those times you made fun of me.  That time I was trying on my grade 7 graduation dress...and I tried the pink one...and you called me a big dumpling.  Of course, I saw it as an insult at the time, but now....

Oh!  That time I taught you how to make tulips out of paper, by cutting out a heart first, then cutting little triangles...and you ended up cutting a prettier heart shape than mine.  My, was I embarrassed...then I took yours and cut the triangles, and ruined it.  Sorry about that.  Maybe that's why you never did arts and crafts with me anymore.

Oh!  And that one time you weren't here for Christmas and you called saying you left my present in the back.  The Disney Princess robe...what was I...eight?  I still have it today...and I treasure it.  The one Christmas present you bought me...oh, the tears are flowing freely now...just figures that a beautiful song like "All of Me" would be playing downstairs right now, huh?  Gosh, they just put it on repeat over and over again.  You think they're doing this on purpose?

Anyways...I'm sorry we couldn't be celebrating your birthday today like we do for all our birthdays. We didn't get your mango ice cream cake from gelato (I know how much you love those), we also didn't go to The Old Spaghetti Factory...we would have announced that it was your birthday to the server, and he would have brought a whole crew to come sing "happy birthday" to you.

I LOVE YOU...so, so much.  You have no idea.

If you were home, if you were here, I'd run up to you, and hug you.  Fiercely.
You know one of those hugs where I squeeze too hard?
Yes, I'll allow myself a small smile for that one.

As I write this letter, I'm silently weeping...I'm sorry daddy, for failing you as a daughter.  I've disappointed you.  Is that why you left?  I did something wrong, didn't I?  I must have.  And please know that I'm terribly sorry...but you know my fears of...that which is why I haven't done it yet.  I'm sorry.  I should have done it ages ago, but I didn't...I'm sorry.

But I digress, I wish you a very happy, if slightly untraditional, birthday.

With much love,
Liz