My Very Special Someone (part 1)!

Okay, peoples?!

I'm finally going to write this.  This is the post you've all been waiting for, have been begging me to write...I know it's going to be impossible for me to cover everything I feel about this person in only one blog post*...which is one reason why I've delayed the writing of this post...another would be the fact that I'm addicted to procrastination.  It's a horrible addiction, really.

Also...yeah, I know...I haven't posted something in quite a while, so bear with me as I unleash my words....

*actually, if you use your super investigative detector skills, you'll find that I refer to him in many of my posts...you may even find a name somewhere....

**also, I think this will be part one of a two part series...so there's this one...and there will be another one coming...on this one meeting we had...

***oh, and to my very special someone reading this...I hope you're happy now.  I've finally written this.  And now you'll know all about what I think of you...which is kinda unfair, really...why don't I get to read enormous posts dedicated to me, from you?  Yeah, yeah, you don't have a blog, but bah!  Minor details...send a post to me mentally, 'kay?

****WARNING: THIS WILL BE A VERY LONG POST.  Like, seriously, a giant post...one so big, your mind will explode!  But rest assured, I've take the necessary precautions...you'll just feel some small irritation in your eyes, and maybe some itching.... 

*****okay, last one...I'll be "talking" to this very special someone throughout this post, and you'll know because I've made the text a different colour...

So.  Since I can't possibly say everything I want to say...I have made a list of things I wish to tell you about...in long paragraph format.  And maybe some other stuff I'll randomly decide to throw in....so...pretty much just a regularly formatted post...and by that, I mean, a mess, with no format whatsoever.

Starting off:  There is this guy I met during my first summer job at the PNE (My Most Memorable Summer in the History of Memorable Summers.... (part 2: August) ).  People, THAT was a lovely time.  One of the best times...ever.  I still think of it today...and I've kept everything I've ever received from PNE to remind me of that magical time.  Who would have thought that I'd meet my FIRST very special someone, at my FIRST job?  Never would I have thought that both milestones would be achieved at once.  Never.  If I knew so many exciting things could happen...maybe...just maybe...I'll....

So!  Okay, okay, okay, guys?  I'm so excited!  I don't even know where to start.

Um...okay, let's start with...

How this whole thing began....

No, I'm not going to give you all the little details of the adventures I had while working in PNE, because 1) I've already included the link above, and 2) I've written everything, even all the little tiny details in my diary already...so I'm not typing them out again...but what I will tell you is what happened after PNE...

*you know what peoples?  After the first day, I looked for this dude every.  Single. Day.  And, eep, I even tried to catch his attention a few times...this one time, I even did this super stupid thing to catch his attention...torn between wanting him to see, and not...gosh, I'm so ashamed, how stupid of me...trying so hard to get noticed...good thing you didn't actually see me doing that silly thing, otherwise...I'd die of humiliation...I don't know what I was thinking...obviously, I wasn't...of course, I wasn't brave enough to actually go up to him...but there were  few times when I caught glimpses of him, or...secretly watched him while he looked handsome as ever doing the most banal thing in the world: sweeping floors.

So...ever since the first day of work...with this...guy, we'll call him G.i.l.f. or Gilf works, too (yes, it does mean something, it stands for something...something you won't ever figure out!  Hahaha....), I've been slightly obsessed with finding out more about him...yes, very stalker-like of me, BUT, I...couldn't find anything...until a certain miracle happened....

*ello Gilf!  Sorry I had to give you such a weird sounding name...but I couldn't just give out the secret that is your name to everyone, now can I?  Well, I guess I could..........but no.  Gilf it is!  I am forever grateful that miracle happened...aren't you...because I never would have found you otherwise...also, yes, did I mention that I scoured the world wide web for you after only the first day...?  Yeah...I'm weird like that....you're stuck with a weirdo....enjoy this very long post that I've been working on for hours....


So...with this miracle...I found Gilf, and after days, and DAYS of furious mental debates of whether I should message him, I finally made up my mind: I stared at the screen intently for another two minutes before quickly clicking "add friend", then I slammed my laptop shut, and ran around my house for a few minutes....

Once I considered myself somewhat composed...I checked my phone...and...ohmygosh!  He accepted my friend request!  I then ran around the house some more, screaming, "he accepted!  he accepted!  Hooray!  Hooray!"

*ugh, yes...I was sooooo overwhelmingly excited when I saw that you accepted...you have no idea...it's frustratingly amazing how much one little gesture from you can trigger such an intense reaction from me...you were the first boy I added on Facebook...also, the first boy, unrelated to me, that I've had a decent conversation with.  How sad, right?  Right.

So...very, very hesitantly...I gathered all the emotions and thoughts swirling about in my mind and condensed it all into one short...sentence: Wow...that was fast...hi, btw

Oh, gosh, how weird am I?!

Don't answer that...

So...I sent the first message...and from there...our relationship has flowered!

Okay, that's all the backstory you're getting....

So!  Where do I go from here?!  Oh, how about....

1. His superior intelligence

He is smart.
Super smart.
Super, duper smart.

He's in an IB program*, which stands for International Baccalaureate.  I'm going to be honest with you, I don't think I can even pronounce that word.  Bacca-lar-reet?  Baaahcaa-lar-raaay?  Ha...yeah, I tried...

*cue oohs and aahs

Yes, that's right.  My very special someone is a genius.  Certifiably.

But you know...all his intelligence and superior knowledge makes me feel inferior, inadequate.  He seems to know everything about everything, and he knows all these words...it makes me doubt the adequacy of my own mediocre vocabulary.  Gosh, I think I've learned more words from him then my...wait, no...nevermind.

And if you need any more proof of Gilf's intelligence, I'll gladly provide you with more!  So...in many of our conversations, he's told me that he's busy helping his friends with homework, or helping them study for a test.  So, naturally, if he's helping he must be super smart, no?  And...I think I recall him mentioning how he's doing better than the other students in his classes.  Gosh, I'm so proud.  But also equally bitter about how I feel even more inferior now...*sigh*

In many of our other conversations, I've mentioned what a pain chemistry is causing me, and he would never hesitate to offer his help.  And as much as I'd love to pour out all my problems and let him teach me, I won't...because...who am I to bother him with such trivial matters like why does this equal to this in this reaction?  *sigh*

One last thing...Gilf has also enlightened me to many interesting things...things that aren't taught in school but are learned through friends and over the internet.  I'm not sure how much to reveal here, but...suffice to say...I've learned some pretty fascinating things that...piqued my interest in...things...which caused me to do some research which will hopefully come in handy in the future....

Oh!  Oh!  Oh!  And guess what my clever guy came up with?  So...apparently, we somehow assigned December 6th as the "official" day we started "dating".  And you know what?  DO YOU KNOW WHAT?!  He saw that 12 (December) divided by 6 (the day), equals to 2 (the both of us)!  Is he not the cleverest?  I would never have thought of that.  I'm in complete awe of this dude  *swoons*

*I'm also going to assume that even if we did go to the same school, you never would have noticed someone like me...I think it was binning that forced us together...wait, no...that sounds a tad violent...but...still...you'd probably be sitting in the hallways with your friends at lunch discussing deeply profound things like the meaning of life and what comes after death...you wouldn't notice idiots like me who sit in the cafeteria talking about...stuff...you wouldn't have noticed someone like me in school.  You wouldn't...so maybe...maybe it's not something about me that you saw...maybe it was the situation we were put in...?  What am I even saying...I'm not sure....

2. His many talents

Okay peoples.  Not only is this guy super smart...he had to go ahead and be talented at everything, too.  Like, why?!

Let's see here...

• he skis-and apparently he goes to races and competitions, too?  He also coaches!  And you know what I can't do and have never ever done? Ski.  Yes...I have no experience skiing...none whatsoever...

• he is active-okay, so yes, maybe this should have been grouped with the previous one, but, bah!  I'm trying to make this guy look like he has many good points...as many as possible!  Oops.  So let's see...besides skiing, he runs!  And...he wakes up at inhuman hours of the day to go run!  For...like, 10km, people?  Like, isn't he, like, super, duper, amazing?  He must be, like, so fit.  And apparently, like, he can do all 10km in like, 1 hour?  And, like, he is so dedicated that he even runs in the rain.  Like, wow.  Like whoa!  Like, how amazing is that?!  Ahem...yeah, I'm not sure what came over me, I got all excited and fangirl-y over his physique, and stuff...I guess...you know...I don't think I can even run 10km, let alone 10km in one hour...what are you going to do with me?  I'll never be able to catch up with you...I'm nowhere as fit as you...and don't you dare wake me up at 6am in the morning to go run.  I'm worried...again.

• he plays the violin, the guitar, some piano, and I think he mentioned the French horn once-he also takes all sorts of music history lessons and theory and whatnot...again, why does he have to be good at everything?!  He's making me look bad in comparison...!  To quote Rarity from MLP, "why do you have to be so good and make me look so bad?!"  Yes, Rarity, I feel your anguish.  Baaah!

• he is good with technology-I don't need to explain how technology hates me, right?  I have such bad luck with technology, and Gilf, is...the complete opposite of me...his skills with technology...leaves me in awe.  And...every time he starts talking about technology and uses all his technology jargon...I'm lost...and it's not just technology, everything else, too.  He types out these long intellectual words, and suddenly, my words are no longer adequate.  Suddenly, I become this blubbering idiot...who must decide what words are best to string together to come up with the most intellectually sound and sagacious reply.  I'm afraid to ask too many questions because...gosh, it must be so irking to have to answer all my questions...sometimes I feel that he feels I'm interrogating him...of course I want to ask...to learn, but he must feel so...uugh....

• he takes gorgeous photos-first off:  UNDERSTATEMENT!  He takes AMAZING photographs.  AMAZING, I tell you!  If you don't believe me...BELIEVE ME!  Why would I lie to you?  I mean, it's not like I really, really like this guy and may have a completely biased opinion...no, nothing like that.  I am completely neutral in this.  His photos should be framed in all the museums of the world, regardless of what the museum is called...even if it's a museum of...anthropology...pfft, who cares!  Let's frame up his photo of this tree!  I...kinda...also take pictures...I don't say photography because...well...he does it so well, and me...well...ha, I'm going to sound soo pitiful...but, you know what?  Nevermind, I can't even say it...it's too shameful, and pathetic.  Now here's something I've pondered...you call your photos "photos", not pictures, and somehow I got it into my head that "photos" are better than "pictures".  So...somehow...in my messed up mind, I'm calling the stuff I catch with my phone, "pictures", and refer to yours as "photos"...*sigh*

• he is smart-I feel the need to add intelligence as one of his talents...according to him, (and yes, I do believe him) he learns fast, wow...can you imagine?  Being able to learn things quickly and efficiently?  I mean...I get my As...but I have to slave away night and day to get those coveted As...to him...I must be...*sigh*  Also...this guy speaks French, English, and Mandarin, and he's planning on learning another, I think.  He speaks them well, too...fluent in three different languages?!  *sigh*

• he is a good writer-peoples, Gilf is a great writer.  And I can say that because...he wrote me a poem...well, two, but I'm referring the first one he wrote.  And the poem was written in such a short span of time, that to consider him anything but amazing would be a fib.  I write OK poems...and they take forever...this guy has talent!  The poem was so sweet, I kept a copy of it, and I read it when I'm feeling especially sad.  Yes, I do.  Don't question it.

There is no end to his list of talents...NO END.

*hey.  Don't bother trying to deny anything...you are beyond talented and that is that.  If you try to deny anything or try to sound humble and make less of your talents...you're just going to make me feel even more depressed about my abilities...or lack of abilities....

3. He is tall

Yes, I felt the need to give this one its own heading, because I feel this is kind of a big issue for me.

I'm short.

Well, according to the heights of people in my school, anyway.  I'm always looking up at these huge giants marching through the hallways...it's...I don't know...I don't like the height I am now.

And, seeing as how this guy of mine is...really tall...*whimpers* why do I have to be so short?  Hmmph.

*yes, I know...height may be a trivial issue...and maybe it is...but not to me...I don't think...BUT, I don't like that you're so much taller than me...I feel inferior enough...I just...I...*sigh* can I apologize for being short?  Or...apologize for being so much shorter than you?  Because I'm going to do it: sorry.

4. His voice sounds good in a voice recording

Peoples!  Do you know how rare it is to have a recording of your voice sound good?  No, you probably don't because yours suck, too.

This one time, I was trying to recite a French poem (French, another thing he's scary good at), and I asked him to send me a voice recording of how the fast the words should be said.  I didn't think he'd actually do it, because well...I probably wouldn't*...but he did!

*I did send a voice recording a long time ago...and it.  Was.  Awful.  Not only did I sound ridiculous, I sound like an obnoxiously, irritating girl.  How do people stand to listen to me all day?  Gosh, these people are more considerate than I gave them credit for.

And, ohmygooooooooodness!  His voice is...*shivers* he is so good.  He even managed to sound like a French guy...

*swoons*

*also, he claims to be good at different accents...I haven't heard enough to believe his claim...but...I'll convince him to show me...one day

*I.  Am.  Jealous.  What is the secret to making your voice sound so delightful?  I'm in awe and I covet your abilities...gaaah! 

5. I've dreamt (dreamed?) about him
If this isn't proof enough that I think of him way too much, I'm not sure what is.

I've had several dreams of him already...most of them good....and, yes, I do keep a dream journal where I record all my dreams...so that I'll remember them forever, even the bad ones.  And then there are those really pathetic ones you really don't want to hear about....

No, don't look at me like that...I can't help what I'm thinking every night before I fall asleep.  I can't.

*yeah...do I think of you too much...to the point of utter obsession?  That can't be healthy, right?  Oh gosh, do I sound like a creep saying that...?  I do, don't I?!  Well then...doesn't that just make me sound ridiculously sad and pathetic...?  It's like I don't have a life...and all I do is think about you all day...and even when I'm asleep, I'm still thinking of you.....

***
Let's take a little break and watch some hedgehog look ridiculous...

Adorable, no?

***
6. I talk to him more than anyone else (I think)

I say "I think", because it's true.  I haven't kept an actual tally of all the words I say to him...if it even counts as "talking".  I mean, I talk to myself quite a lot too, you know....

I've told him things I've never told anyone else, and I feel as if we've discussed so many things...there are few topics I wouldn't be comfortable* discussing with him.  Let's see, we've talked about pimples, fruit, philosophical things that make my mind go "what?", and...so, so many other things....

Also...I just thought I'd mention that about...hmm, 100% of our conversations happen online, through either Facebook Messenger or texts...do you see the issues that come with this?  No?  Allow me to list some for you...

• I can never tell when sarcasm is being used-although he sometimes takes pity on me and makes his sarcastic remarks undoubtedly sarcastic, this has happened in the past, which is why I mentioned it...it's horribly embarrassing on my part.

• It takes forever to get a point across sometimes...off the top of my head, I can think of at least six different times where I've wanted to explain something...but was intimidated by the large amounts of words I'd have to type out.  Giant message boxes don't look good, okay?  It makes me look like I have a big mouth and won't stop talking...

• I can't see him, ergo, he can't see me...I really don't need to explain this one, right?  This is self-explanatory, yes?  Good.

• I can't be sure how much of him I really know...since the majority of our conversations happen over texts...can I truthfully say I know him?  We have spent less than four days together...physically...but we've spent months conversing over texts...we probably have over a few hundred thousand messages!  Anyways...point is...we haven't spent enough time together....

*but the things I'm not comfortable discussing with him are huge...usually.

*do we need to remedy the amount of time we see each other...?  Because I don't know about you, but after that last meeting....

**and ohmygosh, remember that really awkward time when I was saying these words that were part of a Marry Poppins song, but I only knew the first few verses...but you joined in, and I was awed that you knew the lyrics, when really...you had no idea what I was doing and just made up random lines...?  HAHAHAHAHAAAA!

7. He is kind

Okay, so...he isn't the only kind person on this earth, nor is he a super rare breed of humans on this earth, but...he's a category of kindness all on his own.

He's caring and compassionate...he's patient and sympathetic...I believe I've found the perfect guy....

He's also ridiculously funny...even when he doesn't mean to be...well, okay, maybe it's because I laugh at a lot of things, I'm a giggly kind of girl, when I allow myself to be, anyway...

...I remember this one time I was eating at The Old Spaghetti Factory...and ohmygoodness...I nearly choked on my food I was laughing so hard...what he said was...definitely not what a "normal" person, especially a guy would say.  Ohgosh, I'm laughing right now....

And this other time he...oh, HAHAHAHA, I can't even explain it without laughing, so nevermind...

See?  Don't you see?!  He's such a great guy...he's amazing!  This guy is awesome...he's funny, and we could all do with a little more laughter in our lives, no?

Also...his willingness to help people...(see #1)

8. He can be creepy professional

So...more will be revealed in part 2 of this series...but...let's just say that when he's not talking to me...but talking to...someone...of higher authority (I think it was higher), he acted so differently...so...professionally.  It was as if he was a completely different person!  It was so odd...I may even have been a little intimidated by him.  

*you know what I'm talking about, right?

Other stuffs I want to mention that aren't exactly about him....

So these other stuff...well, I think they can be considered worries...but, oh, I'll just get to it already!

1. Me?  In a relationship?  A romantic one?!  Ha.  Ha!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Clearly...you can tell that I am in disbelief over what has become of our simple relationship between two people.  Well, at least, I hope you did.

If you were to ask me six months ago what I thought of boyfriends and my relationship to any boy, I'd squint my eyes at you and tell you that I'm nowhere near attractive or talented enough to attract anyone...let alone the opposite sex!

As you can see...I clearly have some self-esteem issues.....

And here's a thought...apparently...Gilf and I are dating...?  I don't know about you, but my definition of dating usually consists of seeing the person at least once a week, maybe more, and spending time together, holding hands...getting comfortable with each other...and none of that is happening between us...our conversations consists entirely of texts...so...can we really be considered dating?  It doesn't quite feel like what I expected it to feel like...all these questions...all this uncertainty!

My mom has always been curious about what a potential boyfriend would be like for me...she'd ask questions like would you prefer a macho macho guy...a guy full of muscles, who's afraid to show affectionate emotions?  Or a skinny, nerdy guy who loves you and is ridiculously romantic...brings you flowers, writes you love notes....all that?   Would you prefer to marry a man with lots of money...who doesn't care about you?  Or a poor guy who loves you with all his heart?  Would you ever love a guy with long hair?  How about a bald guy?  You're not planning on marrying a guy lighter than you, right?  Because on your wedding day, or any day for that matter...he won't be able to carry you!  You're so fat, you'll topple over!  Hahaha!

Yes, that is what I had to deal with.  And I even remember replying a few times with you wanna know what kind of guy I'll marry, mama?  OK, I'll tell you.  The day I see someone reading one of my favourite books...I'll do everything in my power to get this guy to notice me...and then we'll get together and talk about how awesome the book is, and we'll get to know each other and we'll be book buddies, and we'll read the same books and have long discussions on the miserable decisions characters make, and we'll live happily ever after in our library! 

My mom would always reply with so...if you see an old guy sitting on a bench reading your favourite book?  You'll marry the old guy?!  HAHAHA!!!!

*okay, so maybe I didn't see you reading any of my favourite books, such a tragedy...but...I can't have everything, right?  At least you read...not often...but...still...and you may not remember the last novel you read that wasn't required of you to read (besides the one you just finished), and that's just...beyond upsetting, but *sigh* I'm working on accepting it.... 

Okay...granted...not the most promising conversations ever...but that's really what happened...and up until a few months ago...I kinda still believed it...to a certain extent of course.

Thing is...I never believed I'd actually be in a romantic relationship with anyone.  Ever.  I told myself that I had too many negative points about me for anyone to find me even remotely attractive....and I still do today.  I still can't believe this is really happening...to ME!  I thought I'd grow old by myself...my sister and brother, lovely as they are, will find their partners and they'll abandon me...no one would ever love a person with a personality like mine...never.

My mom has always warned me...don't fall in love before you finish school!  If you do...you'll end up like me...and I'm living a miserable life.  Mark my words...once you fall in love, you won't be able to focus on your studies, and you'll think of nothing else but your boyfriend.  It will hurt you.

I never believed her...mostly because I could never see myself in that situation...so I didn't worry about it too much...can you imagine?  Falling in love so hard that all you think about is him him him?

Well........now.....I think this is reality for me.

...even if I feel like I'm going to wake up any second now to find that I've never met this guy...and I'm still....

People?  I don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship...!  I can't even properly handle my own problems...and...here's me attempting to word something I feel strongly about in an absolutely awkward way: I haven't even become my own person, and to be in a relationship...I'm just so, so lost.  Here's something pathetic about me.  If I were to say something, something new, some phrase or words or combination of symbols, and someone finds it cool and THEY start using it, I'll suddenly think that it's THEIRS and will stop using it...I will think that it is no longer mine, or special for that matter, and I will see it as theirs...!  Do you see?!  Do you see how pathetic I am?!  WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MYSELF?  What are you going to do with me?!  And yes, I bring this up for a reason...intelligent man that you are...what do you think I'm referring to here, hmm?

*sigh*

I can't believe this is happening....

This is unreal....

***
Okay, break time!  I've been using too many words...can we just take a minute here to appreciate this interesting gif I found?

Yes, that's it...just stare at this for a few seconds and admire the strangeness...

***
And we're back!
***
2. What if it doesn't work out?!

Okay, this one bothers me.  A lot.

But you can't blame me, right?  I'm sure this thought goes through all the minds of people who are in relationships.  But I feel as though we have a higher chance of not working out...I mean, he lives so far away, he's practically living on the other side of the universe!

And, seeing as how I have no knowledge of public transit, and neither of us have a car...I don't see how we can see each other regularly enough to be able to consider this as...um...you know what I mean.

And besides the worry of hardly getting to see each other...there is this very big flaw: I'm...not worth it.

Okay, so now you're groaning and saying "uuugh, girls and all their petty insecurities!  Always moping and whining about this and that!  Gosh, we hate listening to this!  Just accept your appearance for what it is!  Because it's not what's outside that counts, it's inside!"

And I'd groan back at you and tell you to go away because this is my blog, and you're choosing to read it...okay, I'll just get on with it now...

So...first off, like most girls I have my body issues...let me name some for you...I have more fat than is desirable, I have pimples popping on my forehead faster than you can say "pop", and I have some strange and disgusting habits I'm not proud of.  I also have this infuriating poofy hair that always appears after a shower and, oh, yeah...thanks to my dad's genes*, I have white hair....

*you know what?  This has actually been plaguing me the past few weeks...but I was too afraid to bring it up...I'd sound ludicrous...I'm only 16!  Definitely not old enough to be thinking about...this...but, uugh, I have bad genes!  I have been unfortunate enough to carry on my dad's genes...the ones where I have white hair...and thanks to biology...I know exactly (okay, not exactly, but close enough) what happens if you...*mumbles* with me!  You don't want this!  We have an issue!  We don't want to pass down this gene!  I mean, yes, there's a chance it won't get passed down...and I'm not going to use words like alleles and mutations and natural selection...but you know what I mean!  Gaah, I over analyze far too many things for a sixteen-year-old...but...thoughts?  Concerns?  Have I scared you away yet?  Are you worried?  Because I certainly am.

And that's not even the tip of the iceberg, people.  There are so many things wrong with me, you have no idea.

I'd also like to include here that I am beyond weird.  My sister and mom can attest to that.  Especially my sister.  I say all sorts of weird and perverted things to her...in other words...I have no filter when I'm to my sister because I trust her.  Well, actually, I do have a filter when talking to my sister, but a small one, a girl's got to have some secrets of her own, no? 

Aaanyways...I am weird...I holler out song lyrics and screech out noises that aren't even words...I speak without a filter and voice the strangest things.  I literally shout random and strange noises at the top of my lungs sometimes, do you think you can handle that?  Because I don't think you can.  I will scare you away, I'm certain of it.  One day, I will do something that will disgust you so much, you'll leave me.  One day, I'll probably overstep a line with my big mouth, and...and...and...what if you end up hating me?!

Oh, and did I mention he's super duper smart?!  No?  Well...you know I'm not the brightest eleventh grader, right?  Ha...I know some seven-year-olds who have a wittier and sharper mind than I do...but!  This guy...he's so smart...and I'm not...how will I ever keep up with him?  He's in an IB program!?  And I still can't open a peanut.

Don't ask.

Frankly...I don't even want to try this relationship thing out if there's a chance it might not work out in the end.  I mean...I'm sure...there are plenty of girls who would love to draw his attention, are drooling at his feet and ready to sing his praises...and maybe there are plenty who have...again, he has his pick of girls...I am unfit to be...his...there are plenty of girls who live much closer, who are much smarter, much prettier, and so much...more.

*call me a girl who has way too many insecurities, but what do you see in me?!  You say I'm pretty, I'm cute...but I'm not!  I'm not smart, I'm not talented, gosh, I'm not even dedicated to the things I do...remember how I quit piano?  Yeah...and recall how horrible I am at chemistry?  And how I complain about how fat I am...but am too lazy to get off my butt and instead try to find a way to reach something without actually moving my butt off my stolen cushion and end up in some strange acrobatic position?  Yeah...that too.   I've always wondered...if I couldn't play the piano, if I wasn't a dancer,  if I wasn't smart, would you still like me?  Would you like a girl who couldn't do anything, had no talents, was useless?  I've told you how I can't even cook, right?  And having the old fashioned mindset that I have, I feel as if I'm not even living up to my female responsibility...Would you like me just for my...personality?  I mean...you did say once that you're a.........uugh, how do you find a person like me likable?!  I don't understand...do you pity me?  Is this why you're....

According to some people, I'm a really sensitive person...and I have no control over my emotions...well...they may be right?  Is it wrong of me to think that if there is even the slightest possibility that this isn't going to work, I want to give up.  Right now.  If I go in any further in this relationship of ours...and it doesn't work out...I'll be beyond upset...and I'm not sure what I'll do with my life.

Now that you know of all my flaws...compared to all the great things I've told you about this guy, doesn't that tell you something?

Like maybe how I'm worried that one day, he'll see the mistake he's made, spending all his time on me, when really...I'm not worth his time?  He has friends who are girls!  He's had people tell him he's handsome!  And I'm sure that one day, he'll see me as the mistake I already know that I am, and leave me.  Which brings me to my next point...

3. What I think of love

This...this is a hard question.  As it should be.

I mean, there's a reason why the second I typed out "what is", one of the first suggestions was "what is love", right?

Right.

So.  I'm sure many of you will agree with me when I say that there are two main types?  There's the romantic one and the familial one?  Well, okay...so there's also that one reserved for informal uses....buuut.....

I'm going with the romantic one this time, because, well...it applies to this post?

...I have never said "I love you" to another person who wasn't related to me.  Ever.  I hardly even say it to people related to me...it's unlike me to show affection in that way...so you can imagine how hard it is for me to utter those three simple words that mean so much together, yes?

Those three words?  They're sacred words to me.  I'm fully aware that some people don't think much of it, and use it informally all the time...like when some friend does something nice for another friend when they're having a bad day...am I making any sense here?  Or, no?

Aaaanyways....so...this very special someone of mine has said those three words to me...many times...and each time he says it...I need to take a step back and ask myself if he really meant it...or if it was used casually...it's so hard to tell over texts...you know?

Another thing: When will I be prepared to say "I love you"?

Now...I may claim to have vague ideas about love, and maybe I do...but let's be honest here: I'm a sixteen year old girl who has not a clue as to what "love" is.  Let's see...if  I were to define "love", especially of the romantic sort...and when I think (for me, anyway) it's suitable to say "I love you"...I think the person on the receiving end of my "I love you" would have to meet a few requirements...

• I love them unconditionally
• I have known them for at least 2-3 years maybe more
• I would do almost anything for them...
• I have trusted them enough to show my absolute most craziest side (my sister has only barely glimpsed that side of me, and already, she wants to send me to the nearest asylum)
• I have trusted them with a secret of some sort

*After reading that list, are you intimidated?  Are you daunted?  Are you starting to think that I'm not worth all this trouble?  Like how that one time, you said you were giving up...you gave up on me because something seemed impossible?  You said you should just cut your losses and stop...and stop...*cries*.  

It hurt to continue conversation after so I stopped replying for a while...and you thought it was because you were being creepy...it was never because of that.  It was because you said you were going to give up.  You were going to give up on me.  And, because of you, I have finally experienced what heartache is.  I have also experienced what a heavy heart feels like, too.  Scary how you have so much power over me, huh?

And I kid you not, I have written pages and pages in my diary about you (I've even written pages and pages at school because I couldn't focus on anything else), and even after all that, even after my hands were numb and shook from writing so much, I still couldn't write away the anger and sadness.

So...I'm sure there are plenty more...less major ones, and of course...they are all subject to change...maybe, and again: what do I, a clueless inexperienced girl have anything to say about love? The only things I know about it are from the books I read and the movies I watch.

And if I were foolish enough to actually think that's what reality is...well...HA!

I'd be so disappointed at every guy...

Of course...that doesn't mean I don't still read tons of books and have...minor crushes on some...uh...epic dudes...buuuuut....I digress.

So...when will I know when I truly love a person?  When will it be the right time to say it with confidence...I mean, I know I have feelings for this guy...but is it love?  Can love even be achieved so soon after meeting...?  I think not...but every time Gilf says it...I have this urge to reciprocate his words...is this a sign?!  I feel awful never saying it back...when someone says "I love you", the person on the receiving end should be saying something along the lines of "I love you, too", right?  Right!?

*so...according to you, you're a hopeless romantic?  And maybe I am, too?  Secretly?  I blame it on the books...because now...crazy romantic situations have existed...and crazy high expectations have suddenly appeared...

Also...something interesting I heard a few years ago...and somehow still remember today...according to one of the...pastors in my church...you fall in love three times before you find "the one".  Okay, peoples...this worries me...I don't think I've ever fallen in love...and if I have this time...this would be the first time...meaning...uh-oh.

I mean, what are the chances that you fall in love and marry the first person you fall in love with? Very, very low.  0.0000000000000000000000000000001% chance, maybe less....

If I recall correctly...Gilf has been in a few other relationships before me...possibly three...so...what does that mean for us?  I wonder...where do we stand?

***
OKAY!  Time for another break!
Let's watch this baby attempt to eat "food"...

Yum, yum, eat those...what is she eating?  The baby is a girl, right?

***
Wasn't that fun?!
***
4. Intimacy

Ahahaaaa!  This should be a fun one...not.

So...intimacy...is...well...intimate...and...ahaha, where was I going with this...I had a point...where is it?  Where did it go?!

Ah, yes...so...I'm not sure if you see the connection or not (hey, maybe it's just me), but as a germaphobe...intimacy is...a strange and scary thing...and for this post...when I say intimacy, I mean kissing...and the holding of hands...wait...that IS intimacy...argh!  It's late*...cut me some slack....

*No, don't scroll to the bottom of the post to see what ungodly hour I'm typing out this post.  No, don't do it.

So...as a person who is somewhat (okay, very terrified) terrified of germs...you can probably guess my views on kissing, right?  Yes?  Good.

Again...I'm basing kissing off what I see in movies, and what I read in books...and they all sound...pleasurable and...nice.

...even if kissing has also been described as the sucking of faces, and other strange obscenities...

I bring the issue of intimacy up because...well...ever since our conversations have slipped from friends to...more than friends...kissing and other unmentionable things have been said...and said freely (mostly on his part), at that.

When these words are spoken (or typed, if you want to be technical about it), I get these strange...reactions...sometimes, my toes curl, or maybe my thoughts have suddenly been banished to some forgotten corner...or, or, some other things...I don't know...my body reacts in ways I'm unfamiliar with...what do I do, peoples?! 

Don't answer that.

And it makes me wonder...when the time comes for me to have my first kiss...on the lips...by a boy...who is unrelated to me...will I be ready for it?  What will my lips do?  What will my hands do? What will my eyes do?  What will my head do?!  Do I just hope for the best?  Do I just assume that when the time comes, some primal and instinctual part of me will take over?  WHAT WILL I DO?!  You see the messed up ramblings of an insecure sixteen year old girl?  It's a mess up here, peoples...and we haven't even gotten to the really messed up stuff yet...this is just the beginning....

*well...I'm sure you've had some inkling of these thoughts already, yes?  I mean...every time THAT happens, I tend to take a more passive role (and maybe passive is what I want to be seen as, but not that kind of passive, if you know what I mean)....although I must admit...it's not very fun...I want to try a more active role in our conversations...as soon as I can work up the courage to do so...believe me when I say I have plenty of ideas.....


5. Parents

No, I don't think we have a Romeo and Juliet situation here, but we certainly have a parent problem.  But then again, what kind of parent just happily says I love this person who you love who I haven't seen yet.  And I give you my blessings to go run off and marry each other and live happily ever after even if you've only known each other for a few months?

No one.

At least no sane parent.

Well, I at least know my mom (kinda) and she doesn't hate him THAT much, I mean, yes...she's not his biggest fan (I am), but she doesn't completely hate him either and demand that I never see him again because he is not right for me.  But his mom...I know nothing about...not really...and I'm worried...what if she doesn't like me?  What if she doesn't approve?  What if...what if...she hates me?  What am I to do then?

*okay, yes, you've told me what your mom thinks of me, and how she is so definitely not my biggest fan...in fact...she may be the leader of the "DESTROY ELIZABETH BECAUSE SHE IS GOING TO RUIN MY SON'S LIFE!" club.  And here's where I admit that I'm a coward.  Knowing that she doesn't like me...makes me want to "give up"...I don't want to ever ask you to choose between your mother or me...never, ever, ever.  And I just...am I ready to...will I ever...but if we...we may never...what if we...because I...because you...what if it doesn't...*cries* what am I going to do...I've turned into a sniveling idiot.

6.  Religion

This one...kinda worries me....

I was raised a Christian...and...it seems Gilf isn't a Christian....my parents have had so many arguments because of their contradicting religions.  My dad's a Buddhist...he's not devout or anything...but he was raised a Buddhist, so.  Sometimes I think my dad is just using that to give himself something to say back...in an argument, but, hey.  What do I know?

Point is: will this be a problem for Gilf and me?  Before my parents got married, my mom brought up the issue of their contradicting religions but my dad said it was all right and that he would follow her to church...sixteen years later, and...look what we have here?  A broken family torn apart by religion.

I really, really don't want the same thing to happen to me...I should be learning from the mistakes my mom made, right?  I am so, so sick of my parents' arguments, I have had it with the police reports and the social workers, I don't want to be pulled into this again...I don't.  So even if Gilf says he'll go....

7. I'm missing something...

High school.

This is the place I was promised drama.  I was promised romantic relationships.  I was promised the experience of a lifetime. 

Okay, not really...but I really wish I could experience high school with Gilf.  I always walk down the hallways to see couples holding hands...or even...dare I say...kissing.  I see them on the floor, cuddling...no really, I actually see students lying on the ground with their arms around each other.  I've seen how they sit together at lunch, give each other knowing looks, quick pecks on the cheeks before they part ways...I see how they bring each other to classes and only leave when the bell rings...then, they sprint to class because they are technically late, but you know!  All these sweet things!

Seeing all these...acts...makes me think of...because I...*sigh*

All those times our conversations were on the verge of dying...they wouldn't have even gotten to that point if we had school to talk about...but because we don't go the same school...I can't tell him about how this teacher did this and I laughed so hard my face turned red...or how this guy sneezed so loudly I jumped out of my seat.  And ohmygoodness, imagineifwehadclassestogether!  Thatwouldbesototallyepic! 

*Of course, you would probably beat me in every subject, and I would spend days mourning about how you're too good at everything...but I'll take it...if it means...if it means....

**Oh!  And if you went to the same school as me, I'd beg you to take dance with me!  I will literally get on my knees and beg...or maybe wrap myself around one of your legs and never let go until you agree...and then, and then...instead of having the guy with THE EXACT SAME NAME AS YOU dance with me and...*shivers* make me do a cartwheel while holding his...*shivers* thighs....I'd...oh, this is all nonsense...this will never happen....because you're far too intellectually intelligent to be taking courses at my school...you have all your special IB courses...why would you ever come to my school...? *sigh*

I really wish I could experience all these things for myself, with him...what I would give to experience high school with my very special someone....

***

Well then!  I think that's it....!

Ahaha, who am I kidding, that is so definitely NOT it.  It will never be it.  I have mentally added another 9,073,857,924,859 things on to this post, but you can't see it because you don't have the special power only given to very special individuals....

Aaaanyways...you know what I've just noticed?  The fact that this post is composed of all of the positives about him.  Well, mostly, okay?  But what about all the negatives?  No one is absolutely perfect, this guy included.

*yeah, sorry...you may be perfect already...but there are certain things that frustrate me to no end...and even though I've accepted them...mostly, I still must rant and truly "thought vomit".  I must spill.   Everything.

So, since I know way too many people who read this blog, I'll go do a massive rant on my other blog, My Salient Life, where no one knows me, so I can rant all I want, without having to worry about being too rude.  I mean...there are a few secret desires I have (no, it's not what you think), that I really wish Gilf knew about...things that I wish I could tell him so he would do them instead of just...the other thing he almost always does, and then there are things that Gilf does that I simply cannot stand...some of them drive me crazy, others just...break my heart into trillions of pieces and makes me want to cry...but I cannot and will not speak of these things to Gilf, because...well, it just isn't fair to ask them of him...these are my own issues and I will deal with them...eventually...I think...and I just really need to rant about it...so.

....aaaaand *publish*
It's finally out there...you've gone from knowing next to nothing to hardly anything.
Congrats.

Is this guy not the best?  He's so great, he's too good for me...agreed?

Also...did I share too much?  I tend to do that sometimes...